Disabled Muslims Australia
Crying
If you, or another person, is experiencing emotional distress please call Lifeline on 11 13 14 for crisis counselling (free from a mobile phone). Youth between the ages of 5-25 please call Kids Help Line to speak to a counsellor on 1800 55 1800 (free from payphones, landlines and mobile phones). Your GP can also give you information on accessing a counsellor or psychologist, some of which are free.
Crying is a natural response to a variety of emotions and events, some happy and some sad. Illness or disability can produce many difficult emotions and experiences for the sufferer, their carer, and their loved ones. Crying is healthy because it allows you to release these emotions in a manageable amount. It is well known that people who do not allow themselves to express emotions such as sadness or anxiety cause these emotions to build inside them until they become overwhelmed and an explosion of emotion occurs, even potentially triggering a breakdown.
Crying does not simply act as a prime means to release emotion. Studies have shown that it triggers a release of chemicals that help to relieve stress and sadness. These chemicals have even been found to reduce pain.
Photo: Close-up of a tear rolling down a person's cheek. Credit for the photo: Cole, M 2014.
Crying due to suffering or loss is not a sin, and does not show that a person is ungrateful or disrespectful towards Allah.
It is a natural human behavior that Allah has built into us to allow us to express and manage emotions in a manageable way. The Quran says, "And that it is He Who created the emotion expressed by laughing with or without tears, and the emotion expressed by lamenting with tears and weeping out one's eyes or one's heart" Ayat An-Najm 53:43. This is understood by scholars to mean that Allah has decreed sadness to produce tears, and happiness to produce laughter.
In addition, the Prophet Mohammed peace be upon him stated in relation to his son Ibrahim's death,
The eyes shed tears, the heart grieves, but we do not say anything except what is pleasing to Allah (recorded by Al-Bukhari and Muslim).
The permissibility of crying due to loss or pain can be seen in the numerous accounts of the Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) crying out of sadness for a lost loved one. When Mohammed (pbuh) visited his mother's tomb he wept, and caused others to weep. He cried during the burial of the martyred Uthman Ibn Madh'un to such an extent that tears feel onto Uthman's face. Upon announcing the death of Ja'far and other companions, killed during the battle at Mu'tah against the Romans, tears were streaming down his face.
Other reports from the hadith show the Prophet Mohammed's response when others were crying.
The hadith narrated by Jabir Ibn Abdullah (RA) reports,
My father died at the battle of Uhud, and I began to weep. The people told me to stop, the messenger (pbuh) never asked me to stop. Then my aunt Fatimah began to weep too, and the prophet said: "it does not matter whether you cry or not, the Angels kept shading him until they ascended with his soul" (agreed upon).
Ibn Abbas reported that when Ruqqayah, the Prophet Mohammed's daughter, died the women began to cry. Ibn Abbas reports that, Umar (RA) began to whip them to make them stop. The prophet (pbuh) told him, "Oh Umar, leave them alone and let them cry." To the women he said, "go ahead and cry, but avoid the crying of the shaytan. Whatever comes from the eye and heart is from Allah and is a sign of mercy, and whatever comes from your hand and your tongue is from the shaytan" (Ahmad).
The above report of Ibn Abbas leads us into the explanation of those verses that prohibit particular types of expression of grief that were common at the time. These include very loud wailing, screaming, pulling one's own hair, slapping one's own body, and tearing of a person's own clothes. This is what can be understood as "from your hand and your tongue", and it is prohibited by numerous hadith. The sense in this is clear, unlike tearful crying or sobbing these acts involve causing physical harm to your own body, and increase your distress rather than helping to release it.
Evidence for this is also clear in the Prophet Mohammed's (pbuh) statement in relation to his son Ibrahim's death:
The eyes shed tears, the heart grieves, but we do not say anything except what is pleasing to Allah (recorded by Al-Bukhari and Muslim).
The same can be understood for crying or sobbing due to suffering of oneself or a loved one. It is permissible to express sadness, fear, and other emotions through tears. However, you should refrain from injuring your body by striking it or tearing at it, damaging property, saying disrespectful things about/to Allah, and scream/wailing very loudly.
If I cry over a deceased loved one will it cause them to be punished?
No, your crying will not cause your loved one to be punished. This idea came about through a misunderstanding of the following hadith narrated from Ibn Umar, from his father (may Allaah be pleased with them both):
The Prophet (pbuh) said: “The deceased is tormented in his grave because of the lamentations (wailing) over him" (Al-Bukhaari (1292) and Muslim (927)).
Abdul Fattah Abu Ghuddah explained that this does not contradict the Quran and basic Shariah that asserts a person will not be punished for the actions of another. Rather, it means a person will feel hurt by seeing or hearing his/her loved ones' distress, just as they are hurt by hearing their neighbour's torment in the grave. We understand this in this life. If a loved one is screaming and injuring themselves does it not hurt and scare us?
How do I support someone who is crying?
Red Cross UK provides an excellent resource that provides directions on how to support a person who is crying. It also provides some discussion questions that you may like to discuss with your family or other group.
An important thing to note for Muslims is to be wary of reminding a person that the suffering or event is Allah's will, and in Allah's plans. As Muslims we are already aware of this. When a person is very upset it may not be helpful to remind them of this fact. In fact, it can appear that you are judging them for their sadness or crying, and believe that if they knew this they would not be sad. Be understanding and patient. Always remember, you do not know what is in their mind, or the full extent of their experience.